


Does This Look Happier?

by BelieveThat



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Swearing, ambrollins - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-13 23:39:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16901973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelieveThat/pseuds/BelieveThat
Summary: That night on Raw, they took care of business and picked up where they left off.  It felt incredible for both of them.  But for Dean, it was only temporary.  It had to be.  Good things didn’t happen to him, and if they did, they got ripped away in the blink of an eye.  Dean’s mind wouldn’t shut up.  It was a whirlwind of negativity, a constant reminder that he would never be worth shit.  That Seth Rollins was on another level than him.  A higher one, that Dean never deserved to even think about.  Seth could never love him, and never would.





	Does This Look Happier?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! :)  
> Wow, ok so I have no idea where this came from, but here! I will march myself back to marshmallow land, and get some more fluffy "Zing" out soon! 
> 
>  
> 
> ****TRIGGER WARNING****
> 
> \---Self Harm scene---

It’s common knowledge that the human brain is a complex organ. So many factors can cause so many different reactions to a person and their daily life. Dean Ambrose would be the first to admit that he had a fucked up brain. He wasn’t born that way. There was no doctor that could analyze him, diagnose him, or give him medication. He wasn’t bipolar, he didn’t have depression, or any other variety of mental illness. 

Life experiences molded him into the person he had become. The majority of them were out of his control. He rode wave after wave of bullshit and sadness until he finally broke free. Wrestling was his savior, his one way ticket out of the shit show he called life. But his brain would file away every last miserable thing that happened in his past. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t be emotionally available to anyone, ever.

Then came Seth Freakin Rollins.

***

It was a bitter cold night in December, when Dean had his biggest inner battle to date. At the hotel, he was taking the stairs two at a time to get to the fourth floor. That wasn’t the floor that his room was on, and he couldn’t let anyone see him there. He let out a shaky breath, then forced himself to walk down the hallway. Stopping in front of room 404, he glanced down at the key card in his hand. He managed to butter up the lady at the front desk enough to get a key card to this particular room.

Dean stared hard at the key card, “What am I doing?”

Then came the inner emotional turmoil that he was trying to rid himself of. He thought he was doing the right thing, he had to be. Seth deserved better. A lot better. Dean couldn’t lie to himself though. Having Seth by his side for those months prior to his injury made him the happiest he’d ever been. But for him, just like everything else in life, it came to an end. While he was out for those 8 months, he had too much time to think, and get lost in his own head. 

Seth had tried so hard to be there for him, but Dean pushed him away. He couldn’t deal with being hurt sick, and emotionally fucked at the same time. Being away from Seth made him realize what he had already feared. He was madly in love with his best friend. Somehow, he had to make it stop. Dean didn’t get chances like that in life. No one could ever possibly love him, and love was something he shoved away years ago. Who did it think it was, just showing back up like that? Rude.

When Dean came back, the moment he saw Seth for the first time he practically melted. Seth immediately smiled and gave him a huge hug that Dean didn’t want to let go of.

“I missed you so much.” Seth murmured right above Dean’s ear.

The only thing Dean could do was nod, although his insides were screaming, “I fucking missed you and I love you, I love you, I love you.”

That night on Raw, they took care of business and picked up where they left off. It felt incredible for both of them. But for Dean, it was only temporary. It had to be. Good things didn’t happen to him, and if they did, they got ripped away in the blink of an eye. Dean’s mind wouldn’t shut up. It was a whirlwind of negativity, a constant reminder that he would never be worth shit. That Seth Rollins was on another level than him. A higher one, that Dean never deserved to even think about. Seth could never love him, and never would.

Then, just when Dean didn’t think he could get anymore fucked up…..it happened. In Seth’s hotel room on a Sunday night after a house show, Seth blurted it out, “I’m in love with you……”.

The side of Dean’s brain, that could still feel love and emotions took over immediately. He pulled Seth into him and kissed him as deeply as he could, tasting every inch of his mouth. 

“I love you too.” He whispered back, sliding his hands under the back of Seth’s shirt while reconnecting their lips.

That night in Seth’s hotel room was the most amazing love making that Dean had ever experienced. Waking up next to Seth was something that he had continually wished for. He smiled to himself when he realized that he finally had it. Someone loved him, and was with him. With him. 

By Raw that night, Dean had himself mind fucked sideways. Just as fast as the positive feelings exploded in him the night before, the negative ones were back full throttle. He knew that he didn’t deserve Seth. He didn’t deserve to be happy, he was a piece of shit. No one like him got anything good in life. Seth needed more out of a relationship than what Dean could ever give him. There was only one way out of this. Dean took it.

***

These thoughts circled Dean’s brain while he stood outside of Room 404. Part of him was scared half to death. This could turn out so badly, and he wasn’t sure what he’d do afterwards. But then, he reminded himself of why he was there.

Dean had been backstage that night, and overheard Ruby Riott talking to Liv Morgan about Seth. He couldn’t help shifting his entire attention to their gossip, “I heard from a couple of the guys that Seth has some cuts or something on his leg. Is Ambrose kicking his ass outside too?” Ruby asked.

Liv shrugged, “I don’t know, this is the first I’ve heard of it.”

Dean was confused, yet just shook it off as idle rumors. But when Dean confronted Seth that night in the ring, he felt panic for the first time in quite awhile. One of Seth’s wrist wraps came loose, and Dean knew exactly what he saw on him. Dean was too familiar with it, and knew exactly what Seth had been doing. The question was, why? Why the hell would Seth be hurting himself? 

Dean froze stiff in the ring, staring at Seth like he was a ghost. He felt the color suck out of his face as the fierce reality took him over. One would think that Seth would have taken the opportunity to beat the shit out of the suddenly stunned Ambrose. Instead, he glanced down at the healing mark on his wrist, back up to Dean, and then left the ring. The crowd hushed, confused as to what was going on. The walk back up the ramp was one of Dean’s longest ever.

 

***

Putting the pieces together in his mind motivated Dean to step forward and open the hotel room door. He quietly closed it behind him, advancing slowly through the dimly lit room. He could see that the bathroom door was ajar just a bit, enough for Dean to see the light on. Cautiously, he crept over and slowly pushed the door open. On the floor sat Seth, his back against the wall and his eyes closed with blood dripping down his arms.

“NO!” Dean screamed, diving onto the floor and grabbing a hold of Seth.

Seth’s eyes shot open in confusion and fear, “Wha….”

Dean’s heart was pounding out of his chest, grabbing towels from wherever he could and pressing them to Seth’s self inflicted wounds. 

“Oh God….” Dean’s voice shook, “Seth, I didn’t…..oh Jesus fuck.”

Seth couldn’t speak, he was in complete shock and now the pain was starting to kick in. He didn’t cut himself deep enough to bleed out, but it was clear that it had become his way of release. The old cuts in various spots of his wrist confirmed it, while Dean held pressure on his arms, “Seth,” he swallowed in tears, “I didn’t….” He stopped when tears started spilling down his face.

“Why are you here?!” Seth cried, trying to pull his arms out of Dean’s grasp.

“Stop!” Dean blurted out, “This wasn’t supposed to happen! Not to you! Fuck, hold still!”

“What are you talking about?!” 

“I was scared ok?!” He began to sob, still trying to hold his arms still, “It was the only way ok?! I didn’t know what else to do!”

As the blood stopped flowing down Seth’s arms, he choked out, “Scared of what?!”

“Us!” he cried, “I don’t deserve it! I’ll fuck it up just like I fucked up EVERYTHING else in my life ok?!”

Seth sat in shock, his heart racing and his mind swimming in confusion, “So you….you….”

“I’m sorry,” Dean sniffled, “I am so fucking sorry Seth. I thought you’d be happier without me.”

“DOES THIS LOOK HAPPIER?!” he partially exploded.

Dean sighed, “I know it’s my fault, ok? I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. Just, just please don’t do this again. I’m not worth it, Seth. No one is worth all of this.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” he spat, “This was the only thing I could think of, nothing else EVER took the edge off like this. This is where I’m at right now, Dean. You don’t get to tell me who or what is worth it to me.” 

Tears were still falling freely down Dean’s cheeks, “I….look….I just want you to be ok. I don’t want you to do this anymore, you’re better than this.”

“I was,” he cried, “When I had you next to me.”

Dean closed his eyes, letting Seth’s words sink into his head. This was real life. He needed to find a way to make this right with Seth. For the first time, he told Seth everything. Every last shitty detail explaining why he felt unlovable. Why he felt that he didn’t deserve happiness, ever. Why he got lost so far in his head, that he thought pushing Seth away was the right decision. He ended his explanation with another apology, and a quiet confession, “I still love you, and it scares me to death.”

Still in tears, Seth’s expression told Dean everything that he needed to know. He slid over, gently pulling Seth into his lap and held him securely, “I’ll do everything and anything I have to, to fix this, to fix us, ok? I promise Seth. I’m an idiot, I know that. But just know that it wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault.”

Seth nodded into Dean’s chest, letting his warmth and embrace fade away his anxiety and pain. Dean kissed the side of his face, “I’ll do whatever I have to, to make this right. I love you so much Seth.”

Seth pulled away, resting his forehead against Dean’s, “Love you too.”

Dean couldn’t control himself when he leaned in and connected their lips. Tears began falling down Dean’s face again, hardly able to comprehend that this was happening. That he got Seth back, and he would fight to the death to keep him this time.


End file.
